Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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