You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
