I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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