I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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