It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
