I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.