What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going