He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
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So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day