I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
