oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
