after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Enjoy the penises
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
