I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
