There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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