Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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