Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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