I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She's just so happy...and so naked.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
