Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
