She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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