it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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