WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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