Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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