Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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