Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
