oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
