Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
