I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
