I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize