There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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