How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
