the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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