How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
