wrigley field is MILF paradise
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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