Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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