Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
