Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
