I haven't been this sober since birth.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
