I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
