You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
