Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Who wears a wallet chain?!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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