Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
