youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
