Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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