32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
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Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
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also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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