thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
