I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
