If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
my liver is dry heaving
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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