I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
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Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
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Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
not ubering you a puppy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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