the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
