i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
