I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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