also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
