I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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