Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
