Please, let me fuck your mom
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
