Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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