and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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How does one acquire holy water?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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