you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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