I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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